Are you Good at Asking for Help?

There was a time when I thought asking for help was weak.

It showed I didn’t know something.
That I wasn’t good enough.
It was vulnerable.

And you may be thinking…duh! I know that. I can totally ask for help!

But do you though?

IN MY PERSONAL LIFE…….

I much preferred to APPEAR like I needed help…

…..it just feels safer to complain or huff and puff and carry seven things at a time and wait for someone to NOTICE…(because why aren’t they noticing!!!) and offer….

I wanted people to mind-read..likely because I’ve seen too many romcoms!

….and this passive aggressiveness is SUCH a problem.

Maybe that’s not you. If so, well done.

IN MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE…..

It shows up on calls when I nod, but fail to dig deeper.
It used to show up in a presentation when I felt like i couldn’t say “I don’t know”
It shows up in groups when people ask….does anyone NEED anything right now? And I don’t say anything instead of admitting what I so desperately need.

*******So here’s a little tutorial.*******

Asking for help, requires five things. VULNERABILITY, DISCERNMENT, TRUST, DETACHMENT & RECEIVING.

VULNERABILITY—acknowledging you can’t do it all yourself.

Gotta go there. People LIKE TO HELP.  So when we ask for help, and they can help us, everyone wins.   

DISCERNMENT—knowing who to ask when.

  • When I needed help getting a picking up my child, I call my friend Jessica.

  • When I’m feeling like an imposter artist, I talk to Amanda.

  • When I’ve lost trust in the divine, or need a place to crash, I call Janelle.

Had I mixed up the order of who I asked for what, it would not have been as easeful;  

TRUST—knowing your people very well.

I have to trust my friends to set their own boundaries. To choose themselves first. That way there’s no second guessing. No wondering. No passive aggression. No resentment.

DETACHMENT—release any attachment to outcome.

All we can do is request. We CANNOT demand (unless its our children).

RECEIVING—It’s a skill too!

It requires increasing our capacity for discomfort.

  • Not sure if you can receive? Consider the last time you….

    • Were offered a hug when you were feeling frustrated….

    • Were given a compliment by an acquaintance…

    • We’re offered help by your partner when carrying the groceries….

      Did you accept or deflect or refuse? And was it the right response or just your automatic one?

In one of my favorite books, The Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebeccca Solnit, there’s a retelling of a story she heard told at the Zen Center in San Francisco about a blind man who they dubbed “The Turtle Man”.

Each year, this blind man would peddle chocolate caramel candies. And each year, the center bought them.

One day the guy who worked at the center came outside and heard a voice saying “help, help, help!” And sees that it is the Turtle Man, waiting to cross the street. Solnit writes:

So I thought, isn’t that really amazing? What an amazing life. You walk along and you reach a barrier and you stop and you just call out help. You don’t know who you’re talking to, you don’t know who’s around if anyone, and you wait, and then somebody turns up and they help you across that barrier, and then you walk on knowing that pretty soon you’re going to meet another barrier and you’re going to have to stop again and cry out help, help, help…

“Maybe if I really paid attention to my life I’d notice that I don’t know what’s going to happen this afternoon and I can’t be fully confident that I’m competent to deal with it. Maybe we’re willing to let in that thought.”

**********

So far, I’ve made it through all of those days.
Because I’m here, writing this article.
Nothing has done me in.
Not my daughter’s journey through puberty.
Not my presentation to 200 people.
Not my health care premium.
Not even the day a brush got stuck in my hair for four hours.

Solnit goes onto say:

“It’s okay to realize that life has a mysterious quality to it, it has an element of uncertainty, it’s okay to realize that we do need help, that calling out for help is a very generous act because it allows others to help us and it allows us to be helped. Sometimes we’re calling out for help. Sometimes we’re offering help, and then this hostile world becomes a very different place.”

Can you sink into the uncertainty?

Can you ask for help when you need it?

Dare ya.

**********

I’m in the business of transformation.

Forget your PURPOSE.
Start by giving yourself PERMISSION to do exactly what you want.
No, now.

If this resonates, sign up for my magic here.

Less should, more shine,

Andrea

#askingforhelp
#rebeccasolnit
#youarebrave
#howtoreceive
#permissiontobehuman